Letters to Delilah

I'm scared kitten. I have some pain in my chest. It's not bad, but It hasn't gone away like it has in the past. Why can't I change my life. Why don't I have the courage to tell Audra about this. She will be so angry with me. Why am I so afraid of her. I get scared like this, decide to change my life, but then I forget. I am so week. I miss you kitten God I miss you so much I can't write you without crying. That's why I don't as often as I should. I was thinking recently about some of the ways I was not a good daddy to you. How I didn't have you fixed as soon as I should and even after I did you would go into heat and yowl. I used to put you in your carrier and stuff it in the closet so I could sleep. I'm sure I was mean to you in other ways too. I'm so sorry. I am sorry I didn't play with you every single day. What I would give for 5 more minutes with my little baby kitten... I had to stop writing earlier. I couldn't go on. I al...

Dearest Baby Kitten, I feel adrift. I am so weak and undisciplined. Is there...

I don't how else to say it, I miss you. Your absence hurts, sometimes more than others. I don't even think of it all the time, but your not being in this world anymore is a constant ache that I will never be without entirely. I yearn for you spirit your presence, your love. A lot of people say cats don't really love, only manipulate for their own interests. That's true enough with a lot of cats and you laid down that hand yourself occasionally, as we all do. "Dogs, now that's true love," some say, "such devotion and loyalty!" Well they got that last part right. What so many people don't recognize is that what they see as love is really dependance. A dog's self worth and identity is so tied up in pleasing their master that there is not capacity for real love as I see it. It's adoration for the weak human egos than need it as desperately as the dogs need to fulfill it. It's not a bad match, but love it ain't. Cats won't ...

My Sweet Baby Kitten, I have discovered a way to remember you, and pay loving tribute to you in a way that doesn't make me cry. But you're not going to like it. It is said that memorials aren't for the dead, but for those they leave behind. In that light I defend my actions and this new policy of mine that brings your name to our lips, but not tears to our eyes, nearly every day. Are you ready? Okay. Whenever I fart. I blame it on you. That's it, that simple. When I expel gas from my ass I say. "Kitten!" in an admonishing tone. I don't know if you were aware of it, but I would occasionally throw you under the farty bus while you were alive. Why not do it now when you cannot defend yourself. If you did we would rejoice in such a haunting... as soon as we recovered from our heart attacks. Oh come on, quit pouting. Shouldn't you be pleased to provide me with such a valuable service, if you can recall, many, many times a day. What's im...

My Dear Sweet Baby Kitten, I miss you. I miss you every day. Sometimes I see a shape on the floor and I think it's you. the other day I thought I saw a cat walk down the hallway past a door I was near. We have moved, we live in a different place now. The apartment where you grew up and spent nearly all of you life is now occupied by strangers. Sometimes I worry that somehow you will be looking for us there and find us gone. Please find us kitten. Let the light of my heart that loves you so dearly be your beacon. I don't want you to be lost and I don't want to be without you. I need your spirit here with me, at least to say hello sometimes. Mommy had a dream about you and that you spoke to her. You told her in heaven they let you do whatever you want. I like that. I like thinking you can do whatever you want. I hope, like in her dream that involves coming to see us sometimes. I hope you don't mind but we have befriended a cat. He doesn't live with us (our ho...

My Dear Sweet Baby Kitten, Our home, the only one you have ever known, the one I have lived in for the past 19 years, will no longer be ours in about 25 days. It occurs to me that since the apartment building was built in 1988 and we moved in 10 years later That we have lived there longer than anyone. Since you were almost always home and outlived all our other cats, you hold the distinction of being the living creature to have spent more hours in that apartment than any other living being. Congratulations! Maybe I'll leave a brass plaque inscribed with your auspicious honor. It'll totally be worth my security deposit. In this case, it might be better that you are no longer among us. You would not like what is about to happen, and for that matter the holders of our lease would not like you. It's in writing: "No pets!" Sorry, no offense, some property owners are just haters man. It is a smaller place, one less room. There is a garage, but you would not...

My Sweet Baby Kitten, I miss you. I miss your soft warm fur, the vibration of your purring under my hand. I miss your banshee wail when I got out the treat treats or in the middle of the night for seemingly no reason at all. I miss your bitter sweetness and your iron-clad vulnerability, in other words I miss the contradiction, the enigma that you embodied. I miss seeing you sleeping, or wondering where you're sleeping, but knowing you're there somewhere. Now I know you are not anywhere and this leaves a little hole in my life. This hole will never get smaller, but it may get less noticeable. I neither welcome this, nor fight it. It is the course of life. Some days are good, many average and unremarkable, some bad. I've hanve not had many really horrible days, but there are always some. Letsee... The day when I was around 10 that they started me on Ritalin and I had a such bad reaction I wished to be out of my body. The Day Annette Turner, a girl I was infatuated with i...