I'm Scared

I'm scared kitten. I have some pain in my chest. It's not bad, but It hasn't gone away like it has in the past. Why can't I change my life. Why don't I have the courage to tell Audra about this. She will be so angry with me. Why am I so afraid of her.

I get scared like this, decide to change my life, but then I forget. I am so week. I miss you kitten God I miss you so much I can't write you without crying. That's why I don't as often as I should.

I was thinking recently about some of the ways I was not a good daddy to you. How I didn't have you fixed as soon as I should and even after I did you would go into heat and yowl. I used to put you in your carrier and stuff it in the closet so I could sleep. I'm sure I was mean to you in other ways too. I'm so sorry. I am sorry I didn't play with you every single day. What I would give for 5 more minutes with my little baby kitten...

I had to stop writing earlier. I couldn't go on. I always want to remember you kitten, I always want your memory in my life, but it makes me so sad, I know you wouldn't want to make me sad, I'm sorry. I'll try to find a way to celebrate you and the wonderful time that you life was for me without being so bloody inconsolable every time I think of you. But no matter what I will never forget you, I will never stop loving you and remembering what it felt like to me loved by you.

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