#6 The Worst Days
My Sweet Baby Kitten,
I miss you. I miss your soft warm fur, the vibration of your purring under my hand. I miss your banshee wail when I got out the treat treats or in the middle of the night for seemingly no reason at all. I miss your bitter sweetness and your iron-clad vulnerability, in other words I miss the contradiction, the enigma that you embodied. I miss seeing you sleeping, or wondering where you're sleeping, but knowing you're there somewhere.
Now I know you are not anywhere and this leaves a little hole in my life. This hole will never get smaller, but it may get less noticeable. I neither welcome this, nor fight it. It is the course of life. Some days are good, many average and unremarkable, some bad.
I've hanve not had many really horrible days, but there are always some. Letsee... The day when I was around 10 that they started me on Ritalin and I had a such bad reaction I wished to be out of my body. The Day Annette Turner, a girl I was infatuated with in 7th grade, whose hand I held during an assembly, slipped me a note that said: "Fuck Off". The day of my accident in 1982... Blah, blah, blah more childhood bullshit... The day I asked my first wife for a divorce, several days after that in the early destitute days of my bachelorhood in LA. The day I lost you was a big one.
Then there's today, one of the the worst day of my life.
Okay I'm in it right now so I suppose my opinion isn't an objective one, but it sure as fuck feels like my worst day ever. What's so wrong about it? I can't even say. There isn't a soul I can talk to. Not even you, not here.
I have no one to blame but myself. I have foolishly ventured out onto the ice and now I've fallen through.
Maybe this really is my worst day. I have never before considered taking my own life, but I have sure thought about it a lot today, not with any serious intent of course, but I sure thought about it, methods, consequences, searching for a why not and not finding it right away. The thing that continually stopped me in my tracks every time was my parents. Maybe wait until they're gone, then there's my siblings and Jim of course. "What about Mommy?" you say?
What about her indeed. She is the best thing that ever happened to me. But right now I only feel anger and resentment. Right now she is feeling ten-times that for me and I deserve it, but it doesn't change the way I feel.
My cage of life just had the door slam shut. I have to face that with mommy as my wife, the person I swore to be with for the rest of my life, I will never live in Europe as I have dreamed, never buy or even rent a narrowboat as I have dreamed. I won't even be able to move back East.
a job in this area I go to every day hating on some level, this apartment, or one like it, maybe a small house someday. Maybe I'll travel some for work, maybe even Europe someday. Maybe we'll travel some together, but never more than a day's drive.
I will have to conform to and practice according to her fears. The way I drive, the way I cook, the way we waste food and spend money on creams and devices that prop her up for a while then loose there luster then take up space till we throw them away
I miss you. I miss your soft warm fur, the vibration of your purring under my hand. I miss your banshee wail when I got out the treat treats or in the middle of the night for seemingly no reason at all. I miss your bitter sweetness and your iron-clad vulnerability, in other words I miss the contradiction, the enigma that you embodied. I miss seeing you sleeping, or wondering where you're sleeping, but knowing you're there somewhere.
Now I know you are not anywhere and this leaves a little hole in my life. This hole will never get smaller, but it may get less noticeable. I neither welcome this, nor fight it. It is the course of life. Some days are good, many average and unremarkable, some bad.
I've hanve not had many really horrible days, but there are always some. Letsee... The day when I was around 10 that they started me on Ritalin and I had a such bad reaction I wished to be out of my body. The Day Annette Turner, a girl I was infatuated with in 7th grade, whose hand I held during an assembly, slipped me a note that said: "Fuck Off". The day of my accident in 1982... Blah, blah, blah more childhood bullshit... The day I asked my first wife for a divorce, several days after that in the early destitute days of my bachelorhood in LA. The day I lost you was a big one.
Then there's today, one of the the worst day of my life.
Okay I'm in it right now so I suppose my opinion isn't an objective one, but it sure as fuck feels like my worst day ever. What's so wrong about it? I can't even say. There isn't a soul I can talk to. Not even you, not here.
I have no one to blame but myself. I have foolishly ventured out onto the ice and now I've fallen through.
Maybe this really is my worst day. I have never before considered taking my own life, but I have sure thought about it a lot today, not with any serious intent of course, but I sure thought about it, methods, consequences, searching for a why not and not finding it right away. The thing that continually stopped me in my tracks every time was my parents. Maybe wait until they're gone, then there's my siblings and Jim of course. "What about Mommy?" you say?
What about her indeed. She is the best thing that ever happened to me. But right now I only feel anger and resentment. Right now she is feeling ten-times that for me and I deserve it, but it doesn't change the way I feel.
My cage of life just had the door slam shut. I have to face that with mommy as my wife, the person I swore to be with for the rest of my life, I will never live in Europe as I have dreamed, never buy or even rent a narrowboat as I have dreamed. I won't even be able to move back East.
a job in this area I go to every day hating on some level, this apartment, or one like it, maybe a small house someday. Maybe I'll travel some for work, maybe even Europe someday. Maybe we'll travel some together, but never more than a day's drive.
I will have to conform to and practice according to her fears. The way I drive, the way I cook, the way we waste food and spend money on creams and devices that prop her up for a while then loose there luster then take up space till we throw them away
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