#1 Loosing You

My Dearest Baby Kitten,
Remember all those times that I would put my head gently on your side and talk to you while my tears would occasionally fall on you otherwise immaculate coat?

Sorry about that.

You see I was preparing myself, trying to appreciate your presence and your wonderful energy with all my might, trying to lock those moments in my memory as best I could. For I knew that one day you would have to leave us. I told myself over and over as I felt your warmth and the vibration of your purring, "You're here now, and I cherish every day I get to wake up and feed you, to see the excitement on your face when you wake up to see that I have come home."

Then it happened. Not right away, but over a couple of months. You got sick, one of your eyes wouldn't open all the way, Your head tilted and your hind legs stubbled when you walked. Eventually you spent you days and nights hiding under furniture. Though we wanted to deny it, to believe you would get better, finally we had to confront that you were growing more and more uncomfortable and that your health was not going to return. The only hope would have meant pain and spending a lot of time in the scary place around strangers with needles and those didn't even offer good odds. We wanted your pain to end even if it meant saying goodbye.

A couple days ago that terrible day came to pass. We scheduled the vet for a Thursday, but on Sunday night it was clear it needed to happen much sooner. Monday afternoon, a little after 3PM, a stranger came into the apartment and gave you a shot. You felt very sleepy and went into your dreams as I petted your side, casting even more tears on your side this time.

I'm sorry about the tears. I know you find it a bit annoying. I couldn't help it as I can't help it now. It's probably a good thing that you weren't around for all the wailing afterwards. Even though it was all for you  you would have found it repugnant I think. Maybe I'll stop doing it one day when i think of you, but I hope not.

It was always a fine line between what you loved and what annoyed you, but I know without a doubt that you loved me. You would look up at my eyes and I could see it. I have never felt such profound love from an animal. I am pretty sure you know that I loved you, that--don't tell the others--you have always been, and will aways be, my favorite.

In our family, since long before you were born, we have had a tradition, a practice, that before or after a cat goes to sleep that final time, we ask them to send us another special cat, the right cat at the right time. It has worked as well as the times when we have made the mistake of seeking a cat on our own has worked poorly. Nevertheless. I broke that tradition this time. I thought about it a lot, but I just can't ask you to send us a cat. Maybe you will send us someone one day anyway, but I just can't even imagine another cat right now.

Yes, this pleases you doesn't it you little diva.

The apartment, your world, it is so different now, foreign, empty. No one watches me on the toilet in the morning waiting, with great patience, to be fed. Often you would jump up on the tub, then the ledge behind me and over to the sink where, if you happened to be in the mood, you would give me a kiss, then knock the tweezers, or whatever, onto the floor.

I remember one time you lost your footing on the ledge behind me and I found myself sitting on the john with a panicked cat trying to claw your way out from between the toilet tank and my bare back. Unfortunately my flesh was the only place your claws could find any purchase.

Good times.

In truth, I would bare every scratch and injury you ever caused me to have you back, even for a day, for an hour.

Well I should wrap this up. There will be more letters, I promise baby kitten. We miss you so much.

By the power of love and hope let this reach you and be understood through infinite space, time and possibilities.

Love,  your big feeder lap,

Daddy